Note: the author wishes to emphisize that this was written as humor, not as actual encouragement to do these things-- though this does seem to be the formula most Autism Experts use.

Step 1: Develop an interest in autism.

If you do not already have a direct connection to autism, this is still easy to do. All you have to do is claim a humanitarian goal, and the world will embrace you as a saint for working with all the poor unfortunate autistic children.

Step 2: Obtain credentials.

A Ph.D. or M.D. in something is excellent, but not required. You can also have non-academic "credentials" by being a parent, caregiver, friend, or family member of an autistic person, or in some cases by being an autistic person.)

Step 3: Separate yourself from autistic people, or from other autistic people if you yourself are one.

Develop a view that places autism in the category of a collection of defects, and that places you in a position superior to all or some autistic people. (Note: This works for both neurotypicals and autistics, although autistics also have the additional option to put themselves in the role of a suffering but heroic defective, instead of merely superior to other defectives, which is another option.) Use your imagination.

This will come in handy when you can use your inherent superiority to discount the views of autistic people.

Step 4 (optional): Develop a strong differentiation between autistic people who speak or type unaided and autistic people who do not speak or type unaided.

While this is not an absolute necessity, it can be a great asset to you later, when the testimonies of autistic people threaten to invalidate the universality of your chosen theory, or to expose how inhumane your chosen treatment is. Remember, if you neglect this step at first, and find yourself in need of it, you can always come back to it later at any time.

Step 5: Develop a theory of the cause and/or nature and/or treatment of autism.

Hint: You can either use a theory or theories that have already been established (such as pick some from the list provided), build on said theories, or come up with your own theory. Listed below are some common ideas about the cause, nature, and treatment of autism.

SOME POSSIBLE STARTING POINTS:

1. Theory of Mind
2. Triad of Impairments
3. Autoimmune disorder
4. Mindblindness
5. Sensory integration or sensory disorder
6. "Refrigerator Mother" (Note: this has been discredited and will likely make you highly unpopular these days, especially among parents)
7. Emotional defect
8. Discrete Trials
9. Fairy Changeling (archaic, but potentially useful in New Age circles -- also holds a certain amount of appeal to autistics themselves)
10. Demonic Possession (archaic, but potentially useful in Fundamentalist Christian circles)
11. Obsessions and compulsions
12. Weak central coherence
13. Motor function disorder
14. Genetic defect
15. Environmental toxins/vaccines
16. Behavioral analysis
17. Brain damage

As you can see, there are a wide range of possibilities to choose from. This is an incomplete list, so be creative! Mix and match! Have fun!

If you have read this and are still really stumped, or if you don't want to have to do any direct research, take some hallucinogenic drugs and write out a theory while under the influence. It will make as much sense as most of the other theories out there, and may well be as successful.

The nice thing about this step is that you can do as much or as little research as you want. You don't have to know anything to become an autism expert (except, of course, the contents of this document)! You can promote a pre-existing theory, or make one up. You can do a lot of research, or pull ideas out of thin air. You can do anything you want to, and relate it to autism, and you're an Autism Expert!

Step 6: Choose something to do with your theory.

Hint: This can be one or many things, ranging from pure research to pure application.

POPULAR OPTIONS:

1. Research into causes and preventions (genetic and biochemical research are both popular these days)
2. Research into treatments and cures (may overlap with causes and preventions and involve ultimately quackish health fads)
3. Application of treatments (behavior modification and pharmaceutical drugs are both coming into vogue at the moment, as is the gluten-free/casein-free diet.)
4. Political causes (usually, using a political venue to get attention or funding toward your favorite treatment, cure, or prevention-oriented organization -- Right now, CAN, DAN, and the ARI are hot! Also, this is a very popular choice for those wanting to approach autism eclectically, as well as those who want to take a more specific approach.)

Of course, you can blend as many of these as you wish! Again, have fun. Mix and match. It's all up to you, and whatever you do will probably sound credible to someone.

Step 7: Develop a handy catch-phrase to describe your theory or treatment.

This is important. If there is a catch-phrase that sounds good, it will make all the difference in the world to the acceptance of your treatment or theory. After all, who wants to hear "Autism is a really complex thing that nobody's ever going to figure out completely, and that no theory will ever explain, and that most autistic people don't even want cured" when they could be instead hearing phrases like Social Anxiety, Discrete Trials, Mindblindness, Sensory Dysfunction, Refrigerator Mother, or Arizona Horse Shit (which is, after all, really all you're giving anyone.) (See Step 5 for more suggestions)

Hint: You can even snag a few autistics into supporting you this way, if you do it right. For example, if you use the term Mindblindness around some poor unsuspecting autistic who knows he doesn't understand what you're thinking, he may not even think to realize that you are equally unaware of what he is thinking. He may even come to support your cause, without realizing what you're doing to him. Use this to your advantage. (See the section on Token Autistics below.)

This can also be handy for answering questions. Sample dialogue follows:

Q: What's wrong with my child?

A: Social anxiety.

Q: Why won't my child talk?

A: Social anxiety.

Q: Why does my child flap her hands?

A: Social anxiety.

Q: Why does my child follow strict routines?

A: Social anxiety.

Q: Why won't my child interact with me?

A: Social anxiety.

Q: What causes my child's autism?

A: Social anxiety.

And so on.......

As you can see, developing a catch phrase is a very handy tool. It instills a sense of "expertness" in your speech and writing, and makes you sound like you really know what you're talking about, even if you don't.

Note: It may be a good idea to develop a few paragraphs and a coherent-sounding theory around the catch-phrase, in case someone actually asks detailed questions. In order to do this, just write a few paragraphs, or a book if you want, linking every behavior ever seen in an autistic person to your chosen theory and catch phrase.

Step 8: Refuse to believe anything that does not conform to your chosen theory. Alternatively, you can simply refuse to believe anything that is not validated in scientific journals.

Stereotype, stereotype, stereotype! Remember, if autistics are the masters of stereotypies, you, as an Autism Expert, can become a master of stereotypes! Stereotype according to your theories, according to the scientific journals, or whatever else, but you should never be without your autism stereotypes!

Hence, if an autistic person walks into your office and indicates that she flaps her hands because she is happy, you can refuse to believe her on the grounds that it has not yet been "scientifically proven" that hand-flapping could mean that she is happy. You can also throw in the fact that since she is articulate, she must be extremely different than a "low-functioning" hand-flapper, and play on that idea to ignore what she says to you. (See Step 4). Remember, all autistics are the same. Your theory applies. There is no variation in the reasons for which autistics do things. Unless it's advantageous to you to claim one.

On the other hand, if someone asks you why you smile, you can feel perfectly free to say it is because you are happy, regardless of scientific validation one way or the other on the concept -- and it's been shown that people smile for a variety of reasons beyond happiness. This is because you must learn to see yourself as inherently superior, in terms of personal insight and in as many other ways as possible, to autistic people. (See Step 3)

Note: This can come in especially handy if you run a behavior-modification program that uses abusive aversives and reinforcers, or any other program utilizing questionable ethics.

Step 9: Remember the vocabulary words. They will serve you well.

Autism Awareness:

You do not have to know what this phrase means. Sprinkle it through your literature and you will find that people, especially those pesky autistics, find it difficult to contest your views without making themselves look bad.

Children:

Remember, autistic people are children. Children are cute. People like children. Children are more emotionally involving than adults are. If you can conjure up an image of the plight of a childhood lost, you've got it made. Remember, autistic adults can be safely referred to as children too. Being patronizing is not only allowed -- it's expected.

Cure:

This is a funny word. It can mean whatever you want it to mean. If a kid you're using your chosen treatment on stops hand-flapping, you can call him cured. If another kid you're using your chosen treatment on starts talking, you can call him cured too. If you can train an autistic kid to act like a normal kid even if they have no idea why, they too are cured! (Just don't hang around for 20 years until they get the picture, or things could turn ugly for you.) You can also use this word as something you are searching for, to pull on the heartstrings of the general population. Example: "Look at these poor helpless autistic children. They're diseased. We're searching for a cure." You can also use the term cured in a similar way to overcome (see below definition), as a way to invalidate the claims of autistics.

Divisive:

A word describing anyone who is destroying unity. See unity, below. For a similar usage, see also infighting.

Epidemic:

You must remember that autism is an epidemic. It is not just a nasty condition that people have (and after all, it has to be nasty, right?); it is a disease spreading at an alarming rate! This will get people concerned, and get you research grants, if you are looking into causes. Great term for eugenicists to use to make themselves look more humanitarian.

Family:

Make it clear that autism affects the whole family. Write about how it destroys lives. Include poignant accounts of the suffering of parents, who want their child to be normal. This is especially good if you are working on a "cure" approach. Remember the phrase: "If one person has autism, the whole family has autism." No matter how patently ridiculous this is, nobody of importance will notice. They'll find it touching.

High Functioning and Low Functioning:

This is an essential dichotomy if you are to discredit those pesky autistic people who keep interfering with your cause. Pull it out whenever you feel that they are making too much sense. Remember -- if an autistic person can communicate in a linguistic, unambiguous and scientifically approved way, they are high-functioning no matter what, and you can safely dismiss all they have to say as irrelevant. If an autistic person cannot communicate in these ways, or if you have actively withheld a means of communication from them, they are low-functioning no matter what, and you can claim the right to speak for them. Yes, the fallacies may be obvious, but nobody's looking, and if you pull this trick off skillfully enough, no one will! (Unless they're autistic, of course, but the beauty of it is that their opinions are already dismissed.)

Infighting:

This is a word, not be confused with the similarly-spelled insight, that can be used to describe the actions of any autistics (or anyone else involved in the autism community, for that matter) who don't agree with your treatment or plans. Remember, we are all in this together. We're one big blob of autism unity! We don't want any scum-of-the-earth autistic people causing infighting to destroy that unity! See unity, below.

Insight:

This is a word to be used in your arsenal against articulate autistic people. Remember, they are generally naïve, and may not catch on when you first tell them how much insight you get from them. If you flatter them enough, they may come to leave you alone, or even, if you are lucky, become a spokesperson for your cause. A Token Autistic is a very powerful thing! (Note: If you have a Token Autistic, you may make an exception and safely discard the High Functioning/Low Functioning dichotomy in their case, in order to get them to endorse your cause for all autistics. I know it's a fallacy again, but really, people won't notice.)

Mysterious:

Similar words, such as strange, puzzling, bizarre, and so on will do as well. This word adds an air of mystery to autism. It makes autism seem like something exotic. If you are making a logo, incorporate puzzle symbols into it for a similar effect.

Overcome:

A word to describe what an autistic whose communications you can't ignore or discredit otherwise has done to their autism. The beauty of this, is that any autistic who can communicate has overcome their autism. Therefore, anything they say about autism can be dismissed. Also, anything they say about their current difficulties can be dismissed -- they have overcome their autism! They are privileged! How dare they ask for help? This can also be used as a tool for flattery, alongside insight, for less wary autistics or those you can actually get to believe that they've overcome their autism. This can be even better than the High Functioning vs Low Functioning dichotomy. It denies that anyone high functioning is autistic at all...

Token Autistic

Enhance your credibility! Diminish the credibility of your autistic opponents! Get a Token Autistic today! Don't ever use the phrase out loud; just harness the results! Snare your Token Autistic with words of flattery like insight and overcome! Use your manipulative powers to harness them into speaking for your cause! If you do it right, they'll speak for you forever! Remember, around this one special person, the words high functioning and low functioning no longer apply! They speak for all autistics! The more you praise them for what they're saying, and the more you use your neurotypical manipulation skills on them, the more they will be drawn to say what you want instead of what they would have originally thought was right. (Note: If you yourself are autistic, you can be your own Token Autistic, or you can hire out your services as one to neurotypicals.)

Tragic:

No matter what you are doing, there is a set of words that can enhance the pity appeal of your cause. Tragic, Debilitating, Severe, and so on are all good words to pull out for this all-important purpose.

Unity:

In short, it's what you have when nobody's arguing with you out loud. As soon as someone argues with you or publicly disagrees with you, you can accuse them of destroying it. See infighting and divisive for a effective accusatory words to throw at those argumentative unity-destroyers (usually, as always, those pesky autistics again. Don't you wish they'd just go away and stop mucking with your cause? Maybe if you eradicated -- er, I mean cured -- them...)

Step 10: Remembering all this, promote your cause, and be on your way...

Write a book! Hold a rally! Write your Ph.D. thesis! Write a webpage! Make money off your treatment! Make money off your own life! Whatever you're doing, remember all the other steps. They will help you if you get stuck. And remember, you're a humanitarian saint for even thinking about these poor untouchable autistic children. You don't have to make any sense, or even be ethical. You can hurt people. You can kill people. You can change your mind as often as you want. You can hurt people as long as you cover it up, or delude others (and maybe even yourself) into thinking you're only helping them.

After all, you're all about autism awareness, and you can do no wrong..... right?

A M Baggs